Stuff Muslims Like

At the moment quite a popular web phenomena is the satirical blog Stuff White People Like, in which Christian Lander and Myles Valentin take digs at yuppie culture (with Things Bogans Like being on the other end of the spectrum...). So that's all well and good, upper-class white folks hold much of the power on this planet, but what about the not always-so-white 20% of the world population? That's right, the MUZ-LIMZ.

So what do Muslims like? Here's a 'lil mini-list I compiled.....

1. Not being on time

There's GMT, EST but don't forget MST - Muslim Standard Time. You'd think that showing up late is the Sixth Pillar of Islam. People say that they'll show up at X time, and arrive two hours later. And it's not only guests that suffer from this chronological laxity, but the host as well. It gets to the point that a lot of the time the guest technically isn't even late at all - showing up at an Islamic conference half an hour late when the organisers take forty-five minutes to start means actually makes it possible for a latecomer to be early! Trippy, dude.

2. Asking reverts how they came to Islam

Typical scene: a mosque after Friday noon prayer. The khateeb/a board member/some important dude asks the soon-to-be-new-Muslim to come up to the front. The revert says the shahada into the microphone. Is promptly engulfed by a sea of brothers asking him how he became Muslim. Even further down the track the revert is still not safe. Any mention of one's non-originally-Muslimness will almost inevitably result in the same question over and over again - "So, how did you become Muslim?". Some wonderful, caring people will preface their question with "I know you've probably been asked this a million times before..." before shooting out the big Q - as if it makes things any different!

Indeed, everybody expects a dramatic, action-packed story filled with many trials and tribulations, and touching accounts of spiritual realisation. Typically, the revert would have previously been an alcoholic/drug addict/criminal/broken veteran/Islamophobe/devil-worshipping chainsaw-murderer (basically, the more unsavoury, the more inspiring). Personally, I prefer the reply "I'm just in it for the chicks".

3. Conspiracy theories

Lost, The X-Files, Prison Break, JFK and Roswell......everybody loves a good conspiracy theory, and Muslims are no different. Here's an example of what a typical Muslim conspiracy theory looks like:

Non-Muslim theory: 9/11 was when a bunch of guys crashed a couple of planes into the World Trade Center

Muslim conspiracy theory: 9/11 was when a group of automated Israeli cyborgs controlled by Mossad and funded by the CIA crashed a couple of planes into the World Trade Center after making sure that they were loaded full of kidnapped Muslims who everybody thinks are non-Muslim Americans because the US Government forged all the IDs on the casualty registers in order to provide an excuse to invade Afghanistan to recover the lost Ancient Sceptre of Kickass a powerful artefact with the power to level continents originally owned by the Knights Templar whose descendants still exist as a secret society pulling the strings of power behind closed doors in the US Government in an unholy alliance with the Jews each one of who is actually a mutant guinea pig from outer space operating a sophisticated biological human-suit.

These theories aren't just limited to coffee-bar chatter or nights at the multiplex. Indeed, Muslims love their conspiracy theories so much that they make every effort to live them out in the daily activities. For instance, here in Melbourne many a Muzzie can be seen enthusiatically taking the tram up to the CBD for lunch rather than buy a cream cheese bagel in St Kilda......after all, we can't risk the money going to the evil guinea-pig world domination plot, can we?

4. Inserting 'Arabisms' into each and every sentence

The Muslim is obliged to be in a constant state of the rememberance of God, and this is reflected in his/her speech. He/she reacts to good fortune with "Alhamdullilah" (praise be to God), expresses amazement with "Subhanallah" (glory be to God) and bids people farewell with "Fi amanillah" (I leave you in the protection of God). However, all too often, people feel that they just have to extend this practice to also peppering their speech with random secular Arabic words and phrases - even when they aren't actually Arab themselves!  Khalas akhi, I'm all for linguistic diversity, ya'ni, it's all just a bit try-hard. Yalla!

5. Calling people "Wahabi"

Want a quick and easy way to marginalise people who disagree with you? Simple, just slap the "Wahabi" label on them! Is someone questioning your penchant for Fiddy Cent? No worries, just call them a "Wahabi"! Dude is uncomfortable with women not covering their heads in public? Oooh, they must be "Wahabi"! Somebody thinks your complete rejection of the Four Sunni Schools of Jurisprudence and the hadith collections is just a little bit iffy? "WAHABI"! "WAHABI"! "WAHABI"! (oh, the irony of the last one...)

6. "Exotic" Reverts

It's tough being an Anglo Muzzie. You were all the rage back in the day, but now the best you usually get is a "Mashallah bro!" and perhaps a quick hug. Then everybody turns and looks at the guy who just walked into the musallah. Excited whispers abound.

Ethnic Muslim 1: "Is he Indonesian?"

Ethnic Muslim 2: "Nah don't think so bro....."

EM1: "Malaysian?"

EM2: "Dunno bro..."

EM1: "C'mon, ask him!"

EM2: "No, you ask him!"

EM1: "Ah, where are you from brother?"

New Dude: "Erm....Australia..."

EM1: "Aus....Uzbekistan!?"

ND: "Nah, I'm Australian. I was born here."

EM1: "Aw, yeah bro, but y'know, where are you from?"

ND: "......"

EM1: "Like your parents...."

ND: "Y'see, me dad is....aw heck....well basically I'm Chinese...."

EM1: "AW MASHALLAH BRO! SUBHANALLAH YA RABBIL'ALAMIN!" (massive Arab cheek-kissing bear hug)

Anglo guy: "Trust me bro, it's not always smooth going." 

ND: "You don't say...."



There's my bit of cheap humour for the day!